Marine Terminology
The Expanded Dictionary
By Larry Bozka
page 2

Kelpless (kelp' less) - angler who, despite his best efforts, cannot find an offshore weedline.
Example: "Despite hours of scanning and searching, Capt. Kilroy was still kelpless."

Lingring (ling' ring) - a boneless cobia steak.
Example: "Get out that fillet knife and whip us up some lingrings for the pit."

Lorancid (low ran' sid) - pertaining to angling electronics gone haywire.
Example: "I'd have found that wreck if my GPS hadn't all of a sudden gone lorancid on me."

Makodependency (make oh dee pen' den see) - relying upon the use of another individual's boat.
Example: "You need to get your own rig, Fred. This makodependency of yours just ain't cuttin' it any more!"

Manowarning (man' oh war ning) - abrupt appearance of purple, nitrogen-filled bubble in oncoming surf.
Example: "Despite the obvious manowarning, Lukey Bob continued to throw the silver spoon beyond the second sand bar."

Monorrhea (mon oh ree' uh) -condition induced by accidental flipping of reel bail while trolling heavy fishing lure.
Example: "Don't touch that lever unless you want to spend the rest of the day dealin' with a severe case of monorrhea."

Mortisherman (mor tish' er man) - funeral home director who spends his spare time fishing.
Example: "When not at the parlor Tom, a life-long mortisherman, was out on the water."

Oilrigormortis (oil rig o mor' tis) - physical condition brought on by long lapses between the action when fishing an offshore production platform.
Example: "We had a chance of winning the tournament until the crew was unexpectedly overcome by chronic oilrigormortis."

Permitscuous (per mitz' cue us) - tendency to leave spouse and go flats fishing in the Bahamas, even when the budget dictates otherwise.
Example: "No wonder she left him; Billy's wife always said he was downright permitscuous."

Pieranoid (peer' uh noyd) - unduly fearful of fishing on and around fishing piers.
Example: "Too many spider weights against the head had made Sam terribly pieranoid."

Polex (poe' lex) - any fishing rod priced in excess of $200.
Example: "Nothin' says you have to own a Polex before you can catch a trophy fish."

Polygraphobia (pol ee gra foe' be uh) - fear of taking a lie detector test after winning a fishing tournament.
Example: "Although he hadn't cheated, a bad case of polygraphobia stood between the angler and the $20,000 check."

Probastinator (pro bas' tih na tur) -- would-be professional bass angler.
Example: "If he wasn't such a probastinator, Jim Ed would get his butt out there and hit the B.A.S.S. circuit."

Pulpitize (pul' pit ize) - to ram the bow of a boat into a firm object, such as a concrete bulkhead or pier piling.
Example: "Many nice hulls have been pulpitized as a result of excessive alcohol consumption."

Ramplitude (ram' plih tood) - the angle of a boat ramp.
Example: "The severe degree of ramplitude caused the old Jeep's emergency brake to give way."

Rockonfusion (rock on fuse' yun) - dilemma encountered as a result of anchor which breaks loose within throwing distance of a jetty groin.
Example: "In the ensuing rockonfusion, the big Robalo ended up on the granite."

Shrimpostors (shrim pos' ters) -unwanted bycatch included with purchase of a quart of live shrimp.
Example: "We got ripped off, Chuck! That dip net's plum full of shrimpostors."

Snacklash (snack' lash) - phenomenon which occurs after opening a bag of potato chips while standing at the console of a planed-out boat.
Example: "Open those now and you'll get the snacklash from hell."

Surforation (ser foe ray' shun) - a hole corroded through a vehicle's body by exposure to sand and saltwater.
Example: "I'd buy that pickup from you, Honest Abe, but the wheel wells are full of surforations."

Swellevation (swel e vay' shun) - the position of a boat atop a large wave.
Example: "Were it not for the swellevation, we'd have never spotted that junk in the water!"

Taperclip (tay' per clip) - to break a fishing rod through closure of a car door.
Example: "A careless taperclip rudely transformed Ben's custom trout rod into a two-piece."

Terrafirmanent (tear uh firm' uh nent) - committed to never again leaving dry land.
Example: "Now that we're back at the dock alive, I'm afraid I'm gonna be terrafirmanent from here on out."

Thunderheadache (thun' der hed ake) - trepidation brought on by unanticipated arrival of an offshore storm system.
Example: "The bolts of lightning overhead only served to worsen the skipper's raging thunderheadache."

Transomectomy (tran sum eck' toe me) - sudden and unexpected removal of a boat transom via unseen underwater obstruction.
Example: "Son, that reef has been the cause of many a transomectomy."

Lest I unjustly take credit for all of this intellectual enlightenment, I should tell you that some of these words were brought to light during a recent conversation I had at Fat Boy's Bait Camp while barbecuing lingrings on the pit with my old buddy Rusty Hull. Actually, it wasn't a conversation, because Rusty-as usual-did all the talking.

Best as I can recall, it went something like this:

"This guidin' for a livin' ain't all it's cracked up to be, Boz. Ever since I got gillneutered, I've been out here riggin' lines, figuring jigonometry, coping with thunderheadaches and pickin' off dragweed for some permitscuous amberjackass with a $400 Polex who gets monorrhea or a bailster the size of a tarpon scale every other strike.

"Most of these probastinatin' makodependents can't stay out of the chummery for more than a half-hour, and when they do they're screaming about the swellevation, griping about oilrigormortis or whining about how polygraphobia cost 'em a mountain of money in some big-time fishing tournament.

"Then," continued my despondent friend, "there's the upkeep. I feel kelpless, man. My electronics are lorancid more often than not, my old pickup's full of surforations and I've got the better part of a tackle store hung up on the granitalia at the base of the jetties. My batteries have deepcellanoma, my boats are full of bilgae and thanks to all the gaftereffects my fish boxes are making me aromatose.

"Half my trolling rods are taperclipped, the ramplitude is ruining my clutch and, just last week, I got rockonfused and pulpitized my offshore boat. Then, just to cap it off, my deck hand became pieranoid and quit after giving my skiff a transomectomy.

"And if that ain't enough, the bait I'm gettin' these days is 50 percent shrimposters and I can't even stop to eat without gettin' a snacklash. Tell you what, buddy; it's enough to make me give it up and become a mortisherman."